The summer after I graduate, things are pretty normal, if that is a word I can apply to myself. I worked as lifeguard, hung out with my friends and looked forward to starting college in the fall. I don't remember anything really exciting or life changing happening. I went to Maggie's Grandparent's ranch and picked up a car that Mom had bought for me from them. We were supposed to spend a week there, but our trip got cut short when a friend of ours was in a serious car accident back in Corpus Christi. We wanted to get back and visit him in the hospital. It was horrible. He didn't recognize any of us and spent a long time in rehab. Thank God he was able to recover and today is living nearby in Round Rock and stays in touch. He is another brother and I speak with him often.
The fall finally comes and I can get back to school. I love learning. I love books. I declare a double major in History and English with a minor in Theatre. I have my eye on either law school of something in the political science field. I love my studies and when the swimming pools close for the season I take a job as a nanny and also one at the college in the audio visual department to pay for my studies.
What a wide new world this is for me. My teachers are as different as can be. My French teacher, Madame Sullivan is beautiful and flamboyant and so very dramatic. My English Professor, Professor Erwin, is a flower child straight out of the '70s. Any class preceding an exam is a required meditation session. You could drop into his office any time and have herbal tea with him. He never closed his door when he was in his office, the opening was covered with a curtain of beads. My Math Professor Dr. Patel was a kindly little man who would sit patiently with you and explain any concept you were having difficulty with, regardless with how many times it took. We practiced Tai Chi in Humanities, and I remember how my Humanities teacher tried so hard to get me to like "The Rites of Spring" a piece of music I despise to this day.
The friends I made!!!! Oh my, how different they were. I had never before met people who enjoyed playing Chess and Backgammon, Mancala and other games of strategy and thinking. In between classes and at lunch time we would meet and discuss philosophy, play our games and challenge each other's intellects. Our favorite was a word game where one person started with just one word and the next person continued with the next word, but the word had to be related to the original word - but also next in alphabetical order. Very challenging. On weekends we would meet at the beach and have bonfires and continue where we had left off with our week. The best beach nights were the ones when the fluorescent algae were running. We would romp around in the surf and shake our hair or arms and legs and glow green as we ran around. These were great times that I know I will never forget.
Of course, it couldn't all be perfect roses. There was a guy in my Theatre class I had a crush on. He was good looking, and for some reason he started paying attention to me. I couldn't understand why, I was no-one special, but I was flattered. One day he asked me out. Dinner at his parent's house. How much safer could that be. Off I went. We had pizza with his parents and then as we were watching television I realized they had disappeared. He told me they had slipped of to their room so we could watch t.v. on our own. He brought me a drink, no problem, I was legal and it was only one. How wrong could I be. Drinking that drink was the last thing I remember, until I woke up with him on top of me. I was able to push him off and pulled myself together enough to get myself home. I didn't tell anyone what happened until a week later - that's when I ended up in the emergency room in excruciating pain. It turns out the creep gave me five std's, four of which could be cured, one of which I will have to live with for the rest of my life. All of those std's cost me four of my children. I have one. One miracle from God. One who I am told should not exist, because I am not supposed to be able to have any. But God will not be denied.
And I have my wonderful husband. In all the years since this happened I have dated. I never gave up. But I was always honest with those I dated and gave them the choice as to whether or not they wanted to date me. Until I met my husband the answer was always no. I will tell you this, the minute I saw him, I fell in love with my husband and I knew that he was the one that God had set aside for me. On our first date I told him my story and waited for him to say that he was sorry, but he did not want to deal with anything like I had told him. I held my breath and this wonderful man reached over, took my hand in his and said he had made his choice and that if I trusted him enough to share my pain with him, he trusted me enough to keep him safe. We have been together for 19 amazing years. We have been through the pain of losing four children, but we have also shared the joy of bringing our amazing son into the world and the joy of raising him together. We have also shared the joy of our life together. And I tell you this, I would go through all the years of pain again if it meant having the joy of the past 19 years that I have had.
I believe that our past helps shape who we become, but it does not define us. If my past defined me, I would be a bitter hateful person. Instead, I like to think that it has helped me understand better the pain that people feel as they travel through the tribulations in their lives. I have always said that my past is a part of me but it is not the whole of me. All things happen for a reason and I believe that I was meant to travel the road that I have travelled in order to help others, and if I can help just one person, then it has been worth it. My goal is to reach as many people as possible. I know I am not the only person to have experienced these things, if I can reach others so much the better. I honestly believe that this is the plan God has for me. This is the window He wants me to step through.
Beautiful Bloggable Me
