The summer after I graduate, things are pretty normal, if that is a word I can apply to myself. I worked as lifeguard, hung out with my friends and looked forward to starting college in the fall. I don't remember anything really exciting or life changing happening. I went to Maggie's Grandparent's ranch and picked up a car that Mom had bought for me from them. We were supposed to spend a week there, but our trip got cut short when a friend of ours was in a serious car accident back in Corpus Christi. We wanted to get back and visit him in the hospital. It was horrible. He didn't recognize any of us and spent a long time in rehab. Thank God he was able to recover and today is living nearby in Round Rock and stays in touch. He is another brother and I speak with him often.
The fall finally comes and I can get back to school. I love learning. I love books. I declare a double major in History and English with a minor in Theatre. I have my eye on either law school of something in the political science field. I love my studies and when the swimming pools close for the season I take a job as a nanny and also one at the college in the audio visual department to pay for my studies.
What a wide new world this is for me. My teachers are as different as can be. My French teacher, Madame Sullivan is beautiful and flamboyant and so very dramatic. My English Professor, Professor Erwin, is a flower child straight out of the '70s. Any class preceding an exam is a required meditation session. You could drop into his office any time and have herbal tea with him. He never closed his door when he was in his office, the opening was covered with a curtain of beads. My Math Professor Dr. Patel was a kindly little man who would sit patiently with you and explain any concept you were having difficulty with, regardless with how many times it took. We practiced Tai Chi in Humanities, and I remember how my Humanities teacher tried so hard to get me to like "The Rites of Spring" a piece of music I despise to this day.
The friends I made!!!! Oh my, how different they were. I had never before met people who enjoyed playing Chess and Backgammon, Mancala and other games of strategy and thinking. In between classes and at lunch time we would meet and discuss philosophy, play our games and challenge each other's intellects. Our favorite was a word game where one person started with just one word and the next person continued with the next word, but the word had to be related to the original word - but also next in alphabetical order. Very challenging. On weekends we would meet at the beach and have bonfires and continue where we had left off with our week. The best beach nights were the ones when the fluorescent algae were running. We would romp around in the surf and shake our hair or arms and legs and glow green as we ran around. These were great times that I know I will never forget.
Of course, it couldn't all be perfect roses. There was a guy in my Theatre class I had a crush on. He was good looking, and for some reason he started paying attention to me. I couldn't understand why, I was no-one special, but I was flattered. One day he asked me out. Dinner at his parent's house. How much safer could that be. Off I went. We had pizza with his parents and then as we were watching television I realized they had disappeared. He told me they had slipped of to their room so we could watch t.v. on our own. He brought me a drink, no problem, I was legal and it was only one. How wrong could I be. Drinking that drink was the last thing I remember, until I woke up with him on top of me. I was able to push him off and pulled myself together enough to get myself home. I didn't tell anyone what happened until a week later - that's when I ended up in the emergency room in excruciating pain. It turns out the creep gave me five std's, four of which could be cured, one of which I will have to live with for the rest of my life. All of those std's cost me four of my children. I have one. One miracle from God. One who I am told should not exist, because I am not supposed to be able to have any. But God will not be denied.
And I have my wonderful husband. In all the years since this happened I have dated. I never gave up. But I was always honest with those I dated and gave them the choice as to whether or not they wanted to date me. Until I met my husband the answer was always no. I will tell you this, the minute I saw him, I fell in love with my husband and I knew that he was the one that God had set aside for me. On our first date I told him my story and waited for him to say that he was sorry, but he did not want to deal with anything like I had told him. I held my breath and this wonderful man reached over, took my hand in his and said he had made his choice and that if I trusted him enough to share my pain with him, he trusted me enough to keep him safe. We have been together for 19 amazing years. We have been through the pain of losing four children, but we have also shared the joy of bringing our amazing son into the world and the joy of raising him together. We have also shared the joy of our life together. And I tell you this, I would go through all the years of pain again if it meant having the joy of the past 19 years that I have had.
I believe that our past helps shape who we become, but it does not define us. If my past defined me, I would be a bitter hateful person. Instead, I like to think that it has helped me understand better the pain that people feel as they travel through the tribulations in their lives. I have always said that my past is a part of me but it is not the whole of me. All things happen for a reason and I believe that I was meant to travel the road that I have travelled in order to help others, and if I can help just one person, then it has been worth it. My goal is to reach as many people as possible. I know I am not the only person to have experienced these things, if I can reach others so much the better. I honestly believe that this is the plan God has for me. This is the window He wants me to step through.
Beautiful Bloggable Me
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Post Traumatic Stress...
Senior Year!!!! I made it!!! I had my cocoon of friends around me - those that hadn't graduated the previous year. I had spent two weeks at Stephen F. Austin State University at a their Summer Theatre Workshop for the second summer in a row. My school sent two students each summer based on grades and performance in Theatre Arts. I was the first person to be selected to go two years in a row. I know Mr. Mangrum had something to do with it because of what I had gone through the year before.
Mags and I had our college plans all made and were set to have an awesome year. I know it was a good year, but to be honest, I don't really remember it. I was kindof working on auto pilot.
I had yet to grieve for my father, but I didn't know this was the problem. I wasn't even aware that there was a problem until my mother realized that I hadn't gotten my monthly visitor in a long, long time. I was taken to the doctor, but there was nothing physically wrong with me. It wasn't until the Dr. asked me if I had thought about suicide that I realized I had been thinking about it. Welcome to the psychiatric department. Here comes the long questionnaire, all the questions and my mother telling the shrink that my father had died the previous December. Here we go.
These are the stages of grief - which one do you think you are on? I wasn't on any of them. I had gotten over it and moved on with life - that's what I do. Can I change it? No? Carry on then. But, wait, wasn't I angry at my father for dying? Why should I be? He didn't choose to die. Was I angry with God for taking my father? Why should I be? God puts us on earth to serve a purpose, and when we have fulfilled His purpose he calls us home - what is there to be angry about. I kid you not, I spent at least 6 months going back and forth with this guy over the anger issue. Of all the shrinks in the world, I get stuck with the guy who insists that you HAVE to go through each and every stage of grief - and in order no less - before you can move on with your life.
He successfully brought me through most of the stages of grief, but in all our time together I would never say I was angry at my father or God - and I had yet to cry. I would not release the control. So, I learned relaxation exercises, I learned self hypnosis that to this day has messed up my ability to meditate (a very dear friend has given this ability back to me via an alternate process).
It wasn't until later in the year, while on a Theatre trip to see a play in San Antonio that I had breakthrough. We had gone to see On Golden Pond at a dinner theatre and on the way back to Corpus I suddenly broke down and completely lost it. Again, Mr. Mangrum was there for me. He sat with me while I cried for almost the whole 2 hour journey. It was then that I realised what I had been feeling all those long months and it wasn't my shrink who helped me figure it out - it was the great - and I mean great google him if you don't believe me - actor Pat O'Brian and his wife. They played the principle parts in the play. I remembered that my father had been ill shortly before he died - and I blamed myself. It was guilt I had been feeling. My father worked so hard to give us all a good life, and he was a student at the local college carrying a 4.0 average. Well, I used to usher at the theatre in Corpus and my junior year they put on a production of On Golden Pond. I was, of course, ushering, but that meant my mother had to keep the car (we only had one) so she could get me to and from the theatre and then we would pick my father up from school after the play ended. When we finally got to pick Dad up, the classes were finished and the school was locked up and there was Dad standing in the rain waiting for us. He got ill the next week and it was shortly after he recovered that he passed away.
All this time I had been blaming myself and it was the play that finally brought it out. To this day, I have not felt angry at the death of my father and I have since learned through other therapies and my training as a Stephen Minister that the stages of grief are not set in stone. Not everyone goes through them in the same order, and some skip stages, nor is there a set time for the grieving process to begin and end. I like to think of the grieving process in the same way the Amish view forgiveness. One day you grieve and feel better, but then another day you may have to grieve again. It is an ongoing process individual to each and every one of us. It is our own personal window that we have to step through on our own terms. My hope and prayer is that if you are grieving, you have someone by your side to help you through it.
Beautiful Bloggable Me
Mags and I had our college plans all made and were set to have an awesome year. I know it was a good year, but to be honest, I don't really remember it. I was kindof working on auto pilot.
I had yet to grieve for my father, but I didn't know this was the problem. I wasn't even aware that there was a problem until my mother realized that I hadn't gotten my monthly visitor in a long, long time. I was taken to the doctor, but there was nothing physically wrong with me. It wasn't until the Dr. asked me if I had thought about suicide that I realized I had been thinking about it. Welcome to the psychiatric department. Here comes the long questionnaire, all the questions and my mother telling the shrink that my father had died the previous December. Here we go.
These are the stages of grief - which one do you think you are on? I wasn't on any of them. I had gotten over it and moved on with life - that's what I do. Can I change it? No? Carry on then. But, wait, wasn't I angry at my father for dying? Why should I be? He didn't choose to die. Was I angry with God for taking my father? Why should I be? God puts us on earth to serve a purpose, and when we have fulfilled His purpose he calls us home - what is there to be angry about. I kid you not, I spent at least 6 months going back and forth with this guy over the anger issue. Of all the shrinks in the world, I get stuck with the guy who insists that you HAVE to go through each and every stage of grief - and in order no less - before you can move on with your life.
He successfully brought me through most of the stages of grief, but in all our time together I would never say I was angry at my father or God - and I had yet to cry. I would not release the control. So, I learned relaxation exercises, I learned self hypnosis that to this day has messed up my ability to meditate (a very dear friend has given this ability back to me via an alternate process).
It wasn't until later in the year, while on a Theatre trip to see a play in San Antonio that I had breakthrough. We had gone to see On Golden Pond at a dinner theatre and on the way back to Corpus I suddenly broke down and completely lost it. Again, Mr. Mangrum was there for me. He sat with me while I cried for almost the whole 2 hour journey. It was then that I realised what I had been feeling all those long months and it wasn't my shrink who helped me figure it out - it was the great - and I mean great google him if you don't believe me - actor Pat O'Brian and his wife. They played the principle parts in the play. I remembered that my father had been ill shortly before he died - and I blamed myself. It was guilt I had been feeling. My father worked so hard to give us all a good life, and he was a student at the local college carrying a 4.0 average. Well, I used to usher at the theatre in Corpus and my junior year they put on a production of On Golden Pond. I was, of course, ushering, but that meant my mother had to keep the car (we only had one) so she could get me to and from the theatre and then we would pick my father up from school after the play ended. When we finally got to pick Dad up, the classes were finished and the school was locked up and there was Dad standing in the rain waiting for us. He got ill the next week and it was shortly after he recovered that he passed away.
All this time I had been blaming myself and it was the play that finally brought it out. To this day, I have not felt angry at the death of my father and I have since learned through other therapies and my training as a Stephen Minister that the stages of grief are not set in stone. Not everyone goes through them in the same order, and some skip stages, nor is there a set time for the grieving process to begin and end. I like to think of the grieving process in the same way the Amish view forgiveness. One day you grieve and feel better, but then another day you may have to grieve again. It is an ongoing process individual to each and every one of us. It is our own personal window that we have to step through on our own terms. My hope and prayer is that if you are grieving, you have someone by your side to help you through it.
Beautiful Bloggable Me
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
What I Learned in High School
What I learned in High School...I learned that there are many kinds of people. I know I was a geek, there were the jocks, the heads, the kickers and probably some I have forgotten. I had friends in each category, although the jocks I was friends with weren't important jocks. They were the tennis players, I actually played on the tennis team for a short time. I remember we called our coach Farrah because she had Farrah Fawcett hair, it was hilarious.
My friends who were heads were friends because they were the people who threw the cool parties and that's where the drama geeks usually ended up.
Kickers is what everyone called the cowboys. I had quite a few friends in that group. My best friend there was Maggie. We did pretty much everything together when we weren't in school. We had most of our classes together, too. Summers were great with Mags. Her parents also became second parents, although they are Mama and Daddy. I talk to Mags to this day. Her grandparents became mine and we would go to their ranch and ride 'ole blue who liked to rub up against trees with you on his back. We had so much fun doing everything that high school girls are supposed to do.
The other thing I learned in High School is what real pain is. Shortly after I completed training to be a lifeguard my mother woke me in the early hours of the morning to come help my father. I didn't know what was wrong, she said he had made a funny sound and stopped breathing. She came to get me because I was CPR certified. When I walked into my parent's room I knew it was already too late. I won't share the gross medical reasons that told me this, I just knew. There was nothing I could do. My mother had meanwhile gotten my older brother and he jumped right in and started CPR. I can still hear him screaming at my father to breath. When the ambulance arrived they hooked him up to some mechanical CPR machine and the last thing I remember seeing of my father was him being wheeled out of the house with some big suction cup pulling his chest up and down.
My mom and brother went to the hospital with dad, I stayed home with my Granparents and younger brother. In all of the stress and anxiety of the waiting I was able to lay down and go to sleep, if you can imagine that. Now I'm going to testify to something that has shaped my life from that day on. As I sleapt I had a dream, but it wasn't like a dream. There was a bright light and a beautiful man came out of the light and told me that my father was dead and that I was going to have to stay calm and keep it together for the rest of the family. He told me that my mother was going to need me and that I was going to have to take care of things for her. Next thing I know my mother is coming through the door, a total wreck. She tried to tell me that my father was dead and I told her I already knew.
My brother was devastated that he had been unable to save our father and my younger brother just sat in a chair with a blanket over his head and screamed and cried, he was twelve. My Grandparents were shell shocked, they had moved down from Ohio about a year before so my Grandfather could spend his last years with my father.
As that morning progressed I remember going through my parent's address book and calling all of my "Aunts and Uncles" from the military to let them know what had happened. Those were some of the most difficult phone calls I ever made.
I think it was about 8 or 9 am when our doorbell wrang and the visitors started arriving. They were my Church family. Mom and I had joined the Church officially just three weeks prviously. I don't know how they found out, but there was always someone there to take care of things for us. They drove us to meet my older brother's at the airport, we had enough food to feed a third world country. We didn't have to worry about anything. And Mr. Mangrum, my drama teacher was there, too.
There are still some things about this time that amaze me. The people who reached out to us. And when I went back to school, that was the hardest. I had anxiety attacks, and Mr. Mangrum was there each and every step of the way, so were my friends.
That was the biggest lesson I learned - the true meaning of friendship. I couldn't have made it without all of them. To this day I am grateful that they were by my side and I will never forget them for it.
Beautiful Bloggable Me
My friends who were heads were friends because they were the people who threw the cool parties and that's where the drama geeks usually ended up.
Kickers is what everyone called the cowboys. I had quite a few friends in that group. My best friend there was Maggie. We did pretty much everything together when we weren't in school. We had most of our classes together, too. Summers were great with Mags. Her parents also became second parents, although they are Mama and Daddy. I talk to Mags to this day. Her grandparents became mine and we would go to their ranch and ride 'ole blue who liked to rub up against trees with you on his back. We had so much fun doing everything that high school girls are supposed to do.
The other thing I learned in High School is what real pain is. Shortly after I completed training to be a lifeguard my mother woke me in the early hours of the morning to come help my father. I didn't know what was wrong, she said he had made a funny sound and stopped breathing. She came to get me because I was CPR certified. When I walked into my parent's room I knew it was already too late. I won't share the gross medical reasons that told me this, I just knew. There was nothing I could do. My mother had meanwhile gotten my older brother and he jumped right in and started CPR. I can still hear him screaming at my father to breath. When the ambulance arrived they hooked him up to some mechanical CPR machine and the last thing I remember seeing of my father was him being wheeled out of the house with some big suction cup pulling his chest up and down.
My mom and brother went to the hospital with dad, I stayed home with my Granparents and younger brother. In all of the stress and anxiety of the waiting I was able to lay down and go to sleep, if you can imagine that. Now I'm going to testify to something that has shaped my life from that day on. As I sleapt I had a dream, but it wasn't like a dream. There was a bright light and a beautiful man came out of the light and told me that my father was dead and that I was going to have to stay calm and keep it together for the rest of the family. He told me that my mother was going to need me and that I was going to have to take care of things for her. Next thing I know my mother is coming through the door, a total wreck. She tried to tell me that my father was dead and I told her I already knew.
My brother was devastated that he had been unable to save our father and my younger brother just sat in a chair with a blanket over his head and screamed and cried, he was twelve. My Grandparents were shell shocked, they had moved down from Ohio about a year before so my Grandfather could spend his last years with my father.
As that morning progressed I remember going through my parent's address book and calling all of my "Aunts and Uncles" from the military to let them know what had happened. Those were some of the most difficult phone calls I ever made.
I think it was about 8 or 9 am when our doorbell wrang and the visitors started arriving. They were my Church family. Mom and I had joined the Church officially just three weeks prviously. I don't know how they found out, but there was always someone there to take care of things for us. They drove us to meet my older brother's at the airport, we had enough food to feed a third world country. We didn't have to worry about anything. And Mr. Mangrum, my drama teacher was there, too.
There are still some things about this time that amaze me. The people who reached out to us. And when I went back to school, that was the hardest. I had anxiety attacks, and Mr. Mangrum was there each and every step of the way, so were my friends.
That was the biggest lesson I learned - the true meaning of friendship. I couldn't have made it without all of them. To this day I am grateful that they were by my side and I will never forget them for it.
Beautiful Bloggable Me
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Waiting on Changes
Eighth grade was a never ending time of anger, angst, depression, defiance, and rejection. I still played my flute, but even that was a form of torture. The band director refused to allow me to challenge for first chair because she had applied for the job as director at Dwight and been turned down. As soon as she found out where I came from I might as well have not existed. I joined the choir, but never really fit in there either, my voice had not developed into what would eventually become Contralto. Again, joining did nothing as far as making friends since choir was where the "popular" kids belonged. I remember once, I had broken my foot and had it in a cast. My spot was on the top riser and a particularly vicious girl thought it would be funny to push me off. She just turned around and shoved me right in the middle of the chest. I went off backwards completely out of control.
This one girl, who I must say was also not one of the popular kids, used to go out of her way to terrorize me. There were more than several physical confrontations throughout the year one of them a literal fight ring with us in the middle. I refused to fight, and this girl, who was almost three times my size was determined to beat the crap out of me. It was the counselor who saw what was happening and broke things up. If she hadn't, that girl would have put a serious hurt on me.
It was during this year that I found the "losers club". These were other kids who didn't fit in in one way or another. I don't remember at what point in the year we started it, but we became a "losers lunch club". We took to spending our lunch times together, talking and hanging together. In a way, we were protecting each other. We had some interesting conversations together, I mean really interesting. More fantasy than reality most of the time. We were geeks, that's what geeks do. It was here that I slowly came to be accepted. None in this circle judged my clothing, unwashed hair or attitude. We all belonged, and to this day my heart goes out to the misfits everywhere.
The summer following eighth grade was the first time I held a job. I spent the summer babysitting and saving my money so I could buy my own school clothes for 9th grade. I was actually pretty proud of myself. There was some store, I don't remember the name of it, but I went with mom and chose my clothes and put them on layaway and paid them off over the summer with my earnings. The clothes weren't that bad (although I could probably have done without the jeans with the fringe down the legs). If I could say anything about them it would be that they were too old for me. Mom helped me choose them and I think she was thinking of how the young women dressed when she was growing up. I don't have to tell you the impression they made on my classmates. Wool skirts and pumps are just not what girls were wearing in 1980. At least I still had my loser friends and in high school the circle had widened. I had finally found my niche - I was a drama geek! I was in heaven! I fit in somewhere and loved it! Here was my window to step through. Not only did I have friends, but I also had a great teacher who seemed to understand me. Mr. Mangrum taught me to walk with my head up and to take pride in who and what I was. I'm not saying that life was perfect, but it was so much better.
It was in high school that I met one of the friends who would change my life in the best way. Clay invited my to Church with him one Sunday and next thing I know, I'm in the choir and have been active in the Church ever since. Once I got started at Church with Clay there was no looking back. Clay and I became such good friends that I even called his parents Mom and Dad, still do as a matter of fact. Even though I haven't seen Clay in years, we have communicated via email and follow each others face book pages to keep track. So here was another window for me to step through.
High school was definitely looking up. I spent all four years in the Drama club, lettered all four years as well, and found my Faith Family. I had joined the Church and would eventually be married there. I still go when visiting home. I have many friends there, including my Counselor from Jr. High and High School. These are people who have been in my life since high school, have literally watched me change from an insecure scared kid into the woman I am today. They were there for me when my father died, when I got married and when I had my son. Some are facebook friends today and are able to follow how things are going. This is my family and I love them and they love me.
The changes I was so desperately waiting on were coming, slowly but surely. I was becoming...me, and God was there with big strong shoulders whenever I needed Him. And I am thankful to those who brought me to Him...finally.
Beautiful Bloggable Me
This one girl, who I must say was also not one of the popular kids, used to go out of her way to terrorize me. There were more than several physical confrontations throughout the year one of them a literal fight ring with us in the middle. I refused to fight, and this girl, who was almost three times my size was determined to beat the crap out of me. It was the counselor who saw what was happening and broke things up. If she hadn't, that girl would have put a serious hurt on me.
It was during this year that I found the "losers club". These were other kids who didn't fit in in one way or another. I don't remember at what point in the year we started it, but we became a "losers lunch club". We took to spending our lunch times together, talking and hanging together. In a way, we were protecting each other. We had some interesting conversations together, I mean really interesting. More fantasy than reality most of the time. We were geeks, that's what geeks do. It was here that I slowly came to be accepted. None in this circle judged my clothing, unwashed hair or attitude. We all belonged, and to this day my heart goes out to the misfits everywhere.
The summer following eighth grade was the first time I held a job. I spent the summer babysitting and saving my money so I could buy my own school clothes for 9th grade. I was actually pretty proud of myself. There was some store, I don't remember the name of it, but I went with mom and chose my clothes and put them on layaway and paid them off over the summer with my earnings. The clothes weren't that bad (although I could probably have done without the jeans with the fringe down the legs). If I could say anything about them it would be that they were too old for me. Mom helped me choose them and I think she was thinking of how the young women dressed when she was growing up. I don't have to tell you the impression they made on my classmates. Wool skirts and pumps are just not what girls were wearing in 1980. At least I still had my loser friends and in high school the circle had widened. I had finally found my niche - I was a drama geek! I was in heaven! I fit in somewhere and loved it! Here was my window to step through. Not only did I have friends, but I also had a great teacher who seemed to understand me. Mr. Mangrum taught me to walk with my head up and to take pride in who and what I was. I'm not saying that life was perfect, but it was so much better.
It was in high school that I met one of the friends who would change my life in the best way. Clay invited my to Church with him one Sunday and next thing I know, I'm in the choir and have been active in the Church ever since. Once I got started at Church with Clay there was no looking back. Clay and I became such good friends that I even called his parents Mom and Dad, still do as a matter of fact. Even though I haven't seen Clay in years, we have communicated via email and follow each others face book pages to keep track. So here was another window for me to step through.
High school was definitely looking up. I spent all four years in the Drama club, lettered all four years as well, and found my Faith Family. I had joined the Church and would eventually be married there. I still go when visiting home. I have many friends there, including my Counselor from Jr. High and High School. These are people who have been in my life since high school, have literally watched me change from an insecure scared kid into the woman I am today. They were there for me when my father died, when I got married and when I had my son. Some are facebook friends today and are able to follow how things are going. This is my family and I love them and they love me.
The changes I was so desperately waiting on were coming, slowly but surely. I was becoming...me, and God was there with big strong shoulders whenever I needed Him. And I am thankful to those who brought me to Him...finally.
Beautiful Bloggable Me
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