Waiting for a Window

I find myself in an interesting situation. I decided to leave my job in May, the office politics and game playing became too silly for words and then they became down right nasty. It finally reached a point that I could no longer put up with the situation. Wade and I discussed it and both agreed it was no longer worth me having to deal with the garbage.

I now find myself in the position of waiting for my next window to open. I usually have one open and waiting for me, but I don't right now. The only decision I have had to make is what to get my Bachelor's degree in. Could that be considered a window? It does lead to the rest of my educational future, so I guess it could be my window.

My next step is a Bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice and then on to my Psychology courses. I am going for a Forensic Psychology degree so I have to have a degree in criminal justice. I am really looking forward to this next step. I spend so much time watching true crime and reading about real cases, I have always been fascinated by crime, forensics in particular. I start my next degree in March, 2014.

So far school has been going very well. I have been able to maintain a 3.67 GPA so far. No grades lower than a B. My favorite class has been Cultural Diversity so far. We had some really fun discussions. I am also really enjoying learning Photoshop, my instructor is pleased with my progress so far.

I have to keep my eyes on where I am now because I know how far I still have to go. In order to be a Forensic Psychologist I have to have my PhD. This seems very daunting when I consider I will graduate in March with my Associates. My Bachelor program will take two years, my Master's another 18 months. I am really looking forward to the challenge.

I know when I get to the end and finish all my testing for licensure I will be the happiest person on earth. I can't wait to start really studying what I am in all of this for - seriously abnormal psychotic people. You know, serial killers, serial rapists. I really want to know what makes them tick. What happens to them to make them what they are.

I am already familiar with many of them, but I want to be able to get up close and personal and interview them. Spend time and talk to them and get inside their brains and really try to understand them, if that is possible.

I guess the only other window I need now would be a job so I can help take some of the load off of Wade's shoulders. If I could ask God for anything, it would be that. Help me find a job so I can take some of the stress off of Wade's  shoulders. I have an educational window, now I need a professional window if it please God.

Thank you for sticking with me my faithful readers,
Beautiful Bloggable Me

I Take A Really Big Step For Me

This week I took a really big step in putting myself out there. In my discussion group in Fundamentals of Interpersonal Communications I had been discussing how people who had been hurt in their past would have difficulty trusting in their present and future relationships and I didn't want my classmates to think I was just talking to get credit, or to agree with what some of them might have said. 

I have said from the beginning of this project of mine that the main purpose of sharing my past pain, humiliation, shame and fears was to help others. I have also said that if this sharing helps only one person then the sharing has been worth putting it out there, and up to this point I have never shared with this many people. I have to admit it was scary at first, but once I had done it, I felt even more liberated than when I had shared with just a few friends.

I know there are many girls who have been through similar bullying situations that I experienced in school who may not have come out of the experience as well adjusted. For those girls I say hang in there, have hope and strength and your perseverance will pay off in the long run. 

For the women out there who had the childhood traumas and have not had a chance to get the help to deal with the after affects I also say, hang in there and have hope. Help is out there.  Look for your own windows to step through and you will find them. 

For so many years my past was covered up by the family members who should have been helping me instead of leaving me to flounder in my own fog of anger, pain, humiliation and dysfunction. It took a near nervous breakdown before I was able to involve other family members in my healing process and then find a therapist to get me on the road to recovery. Without my family, church family and husband I never would have had the support and encouragement I needed to succeed and be where I am today, a happy well adjusted college student picking up the pieces of a life that I have reclaimed for my own.

I encourage everyone who has been through any kind of abusive situation to stop the cycle and find yourselves a good network support group and definitely get someone to talk to on a regular basis. Within a month or so you will find yourself beginning to see a difference in your outlook, and you might just see a window you can step through that will give you more of a purpose in life. If you are a spiritual person these windows may lead to spiritual tasks, if not they may lead you to other forms of working in a socially beneficial area. Whichever way you go, the act of focusing on someone/thing other than yourself helps you separate yourself from your own problems for a while. The benefit is in helping others you actually get to see that some people are actually suffering worse problems than yours and in helping them you get a new perspective on yourself and the world.

Very soon you will find yourself beginning to look forward to a future free of the ghosts of the past and you know that you will be able to successfully move forward. I'm not saying the journey is easy, or short, it depends on you and your past. What I am saying is the journey is worth it, no matter how hard it becomes at times.

Beautiful Bloggable Me

My Future Becomes My Own

So here I am in college, enjoying my classes and my friends and taking control of my future as best I can. I do well in my classes for the most part, but after the date rape I don't put as much effort as I should or could into them. I have not yet reached the place where I am okay with who I am and what I have experienced. I have been judged harshly and found wanting by a person who was supposed to help me. During my follow up visit to the Dr. after my trip to the emergency room, my mother took me to this one, instead of asking what happened or showing concern for me, the Dr. lectured me on Christianity and told me I would not be in the position I was in if I had practiced abstinence as Christ preached. I can still see this man's face and his name was Dr. Douglas. Clearly he missed his compassion classes in medical school. I thought mom was going to go over his desk and throttle him, we didn't bother to tell him that I had been raped, we just took the prescriptions he wrote for me and left and never went back to him. We were careful to see other Dr.'s for any more follow ups. 

I didn't stay in college very much longer, I ended up going to a business school to become a Legal Secretary and didn't even reach that goal. It seems that I didn't have the right last name nor did I speak the correct language so I ended up working at a Pest Control Company, but that turned out to be a really good job and I stayed there for two years working as a  lifeguard as well. I also talked myself into going back for more college. I did this until I met and married my amazing husband and moved away. 

THE WEDDING - My wedding was everything I had always dreamed it would be. I had always wanted a white velvet and satin gown and that is exactly what I got. My mother made it for me. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She hand beaded it and put medallions on by hand. My two sisters-in-law wore dresses made from the same pattern, but in satin and in my wedding colors of white and emerald. All of my nieces were flower girls and my nephew was our ring bearer. My eldest brother walked me down the aisle in place of my father and my other brothers stood with my husband along with his brother and best man. My mother made every dress for the wedding except her own. Each flower girl matched, I made the rings of flowers they wore in their hair and even my Father-in-law arrived in time for the ceremony in spite of threatening not to because of a UIL competition he was involved in. I had  told him that if he wasn't there then the wedding would not happen. He used to laugh at me because I was the only woman who would stand up to him. I never backed down from that man, even when everyone else did. 

After our reception we went to a hotel on the beach for the night and the next day we flew to Coco Beach, Florida for a week. We are still on our honeymoon and always will be. Our love is one of those that feels as new and good today as it did yesterday. It grows stronger every day with everything we have been through and I'm sure there will be more to come, our love has and will sustain us and keep us going for as long as we both are breathing.

Now we are living away from family, working together at the same company and really enjoying life with our wonderful teenage son. We visit family as often as we can and enjoy our family life and the company of some really good friends we have known since we moved away from family    18 years ago. We have our Church and friends, who are really like family actually, great jobs, everything we could ask for. God has blessed us with so much and we are so thankful for all we have. 

A Brief Aside

I started a new stage in my life recently - I went back to school! I have been thinking of continuing my education for some time but never pursued it.  I finally bit the bullet and discussed it with my husband and when he said I should go for it I did. 

I am enrolled at the University of Phoenix just about to finish my first semester and really enjoying it.  I am majoring in Communications.  I was concerned about starting all over again, but surprisingly I was able to transfer 28 hours from my mispent youth so come this time next year I will have my first degree.  I will then continue on up the educational ladder, as far as I am concerned the sky's the limit.  I didn't think I was going to be able to do this, but I actually have a 100 in one class and a 95 in the other - I wish I had done this sooner.

Everyone is being so supportive I really can't believe it.  The hours are long but I know they are going to be worth it and I know that having my son see me excel in my classes will show him how important college is.  I even try to involve him in some of my discussions getting his opinions on different issues we happen to be covering. I think he finds it interesting, especially my Cultural Diversity discussions.

I really can't wait to see where this takes me, it is so exciting.  I can feel things bubbling up inside of myself just waiting to explode into the world and I know I can do whatever I set my mind to.  There is no stopping me this time!

Beautiful Bloggable Me