Another Brief Aside

I have just seen my son off to yet another campout with the Boy Scouts.  He sure does love camping and all things Boy Scout.  Between BSA and Church Group his social calendar is busier than mine.  I am thrilled that he has these outlets.  He is very smart and needs the stimulation.  I miss him when he is camping and on Mission Trips, but I am glad that he is able to do all the things I never got to.

Okay, I'm happy for him, but my gut will always wonder where he is and what is going on.  A couple of weeks ago my husband comes home from the Scout meeting with him and informs me that in July our son will be gone for a whole week.  Let me repeat that - he will be gone a whole week - at Boy Scout Summer Camp in West Texas.  I think (though some would disagree) that I now know what a guy feels like when he is kicked in the balls.  I literally had to catch my breath and compose myself before speaking. 

My head and heart are saying hooray for him.  He will have a blast and everything will be fine.  My gut and my past are screaming in agony.  NOOOOO, he can't leave us for a whole week, and not so far away.  I can't watch him and protect him so far from home.  My head is saying - you know all the leaders and kids who are going, he'll be fine.  He'll have a great time and nothing will happen to him.  My gut just doesn't trust anyone with my child.

This is where my resolve to keep my past as far from him as I can wars with my anger and mistrust of the world.  I have always said that my past is a part of me, but it doesn't dictate who I am...until now.  How can I separate the two me's?  It's not that I can't let go of him.  I realize that he needs these experiences in order to grow.  It is my fear that wants to hold on to him and never let him be hurt.  He is excited and I am trying to be excited for him, but I gotta tell you, it is going to be the longest week of my life. 

When he gets home, all jazzed up from the trip, I will be the most relieved parent on the planet.  I will share his experiences and moments of discovery, and I will be truly happy for him - but I will be happier for me.  Is that as selfish as it sounds?  I can't help it.

All I can ask is for God to watch over my child and help him make good choices and decisions.

But I am still scared.

Beautiful Bloggable Me